


As|certain

by fukuronofuku



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Borderline Personality Disorder, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cutting, Dissociation, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, POV First Person, Recovery, Self-Harm, Sexy Times, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:06:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23415769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fukuronofuku/pseuds/fukuronofuku
Summary: Yamaguchi always thought too much. Tsukishima never cared enough. It's funny how their encounter quickly turned those truths upside down. Because when you find that someone, you never have to think twice, and when you find that someone, you never want to loose them. "Its worth it, being happy for the one you love..."
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 11
Kudos: 15





	1. My "asthma"

_"It’s always more exciting before you ACTUALLY get together, there’s nothing more exciting than the chase._

_After you become a couple, all the feelings fade out, and the annoying comes in._

_Marriage kills love, there’s LITERALLY no sex."_

* * *

That’s what I’ve been hearing my whole life, it came from all around, it was…suffocating.  
**\- My breathing started when he kissed me. -** As stupid as it may sound since I guess nobody breathes while kissing…in a way that’s when I felt like I was actually breathing, for real, like I wasn’t choking on my own thoughts and other peoples’ opinions, the figurative ’’asthma” I’ve been living with for years in that moment, it disappeared. You know, I never really caught up to why I ended up where I ended up. And I never really thought in two years he would still be mine.

* * *

  
**\- Tsukki! -** I called out, running anxious to see his face, to feel his embrace, hesitant as always, I stretched out my arms.  
**\- Shut up Yamaguchi. -** The tall blonde loomed over my small frame but still with that forever annoyed grimace painted all over his beautiful scrunched up face his arms enveloped me, softly as ever, as if I was made of glass, which wasn’t really that far off with the way things have been lately. I could feel his breath slowing down, by then, I knew, Kei was smiling, and so was I.  
**\- Are… You okay? -** He whispered into my hair barely audible.  
**\- Thought You’d never ask. -** I snickered but soon enough stopped as I felt his lips on my forehead.  
**\- U didn’t have to. -** I trailed off, my cheeks already beginning to burn up.  
**\- I didn’t have to but I wanted to. -** He said as as that trade mark smug grin of his returned to his face. Things were…good. For the first time in 4 years I was fine, really fine. When you have ’’asthma’’, ’’asthma’’ attacks will eventually happen, but…as much as I’d rather have less of them, and as much as I’m working my ’’lungs’’ off to get there, I wouldn’t change my ’’inhaler’’ for the world. Yeah, my tall-ass, snarky ”inhaler” - Tsukishima Kei.


	2. My "vertical dramatical"

******\- Ahhh** \- I sighted groggily as I tried my very best to open my eyes after tossing and turning the whole previous night, in a result barely getting any actual sleep in.

 **** **\- FUCK.** \- Was my first thought as panic started to slowly creep up on me, imagining Tsukki having waited on me in our usual spot for longer than one minute, as I realized it’s already been 1 hour past the time I was supposed to get out of bed and volleyball practice was well, NOW. I almost sighted once again but the prickly sensation on my upper thigh stopped me in my tracks, the sheets were basically sticking to my bandaged over [ ** _Well not so well bandaged over apparently_** \- my mind made the snide remark] leg.

 **** **\- FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK** \- I ripped the sheets off of me in a frenzy, checking if the blood hasn’t soaked the cushion of my bed, thankfully, as I evaluated the situation the sheets only had a few bigger spots on them and the cushion itself was almost spotless. I was already dejected as I was, washing the blood off the sheets only prolonged my misery as the dread of actually taking a shower now washed over me, I had to take the bandages off to do that.

 **** **\- Here we go again** \- I thought as I slowly unwrapped my leg of the firm from the hardened blood bandages to the point were most were off but the part that hardened most on top of the wounds was still on.

 **** **\- Now the worst part** \- I took a deep breath and as lightly as I could, I ripped my skin apart from the bandages. Fresh blood started trickling down my legs and to the floor as I was sitting, making round maroon circles on the light colored tile that lined my bathroom. I quickly grabbed the prepared tissues and cleaned up the mess I made, sprayed some disinfectant over them lightly and jumped into the shower. Let me tell you one thing, maybe the water didn’t go pink for long but my legs were prickly as hell. It always made me queasy really, feeling the water pour over open wounds, it wasn’t worse though than walking the stairs with a vertical cut, at almost the highest point of the leg, mmmmm, how I loved the one time I did that, [ ** _Very smart Yamaguchi, very smart_** \- my mind once again didn’t really consider cutting me some slack] I almost smiled at that memory. Almost. Having to skip volleyball and laugh to everyone was just the tip off the iceberg, that was…the time Tsukki found out.

* * *

**_[FLASHBACK]_ **

**-** **Daaaammn, I’m so tired!** \- I exclamated as I walked down the streets alongside Tsukki, yawning heavily.

 **\- Tsk.** **How can you be tired after having skipped practice the whole day again.** \- The blonde quickly cut my complaining short and we both went silent.

 **\- Ahahah, good point.** \- I laughed nervously as I was slowly getting in an even more depressed mood than I already was, the facade was coming off.

 **\- How come is it that you even went to school if you’re sick enough not to practice?** \- Kei questioned as I was beginning to loose my nerve.

 **\- Ahhh, I didn’t want to get too behind with schoolwork, you know, and I’d only get in the way in the game anyway. It’s not like I’m a regular…** \- I trailed off and soon enough could hear my footsteps only. I turned around to see he had stopped walking, a tight grimace painting his face.

 **\- With that attitude you can forget about becoming one.** \- he deadpanned and walked off ahead up the stairs of the water bank, just the river and few streets away from both our houses. I was frozen in tracks, I felt like crying really, but couldn’t, my chest got tight as I struggled not to start hyperventilating. When I finally regained at least part of my composure I tried running up the stairs after my best friend.

 **\- Tsukki, wait!** \- I yelled but soon my voice got stuck in my throat as I moved up the first two steps, I felt the scabs break under sudden movement. I groaned, my hand automatically pressed against my upper thigh, I quickly tried to mask my emotions but was too late, as I looked up Tsukki’s usual irritation was gone and I could swear for a moment I saw a tingeof worry only to be replaced with a quizzical look.

 **\- What’s wrong with your leg?** -he asked apprehensive, inching closer to me.

 **\- Ahh, it’s nothing, really.** -I tired to laugh it off and just keep on walking but as I retracted my hand it was already too late, just my luck, I didn’t have bandages on that day and now my pants along with my hand were lightly but surely wet with blood. Before I could hide my terror and run off as much as I was in no shape to, Kei forcefully grabbed my hand and as his mind has processed the little information he had, he let go gently.

 **\- …Can You walk?** \- he asked as something in his eyes changed, I couldn’t really pinpoint what.

 **\- …I…I think, yeah. I just, need to get home..** \- I responded while not being able to look him in the eyes.

 **\- If that’s the case, I’m coming over.** \- The tall blonde concluded and without waiting for any sort of response he made his way to my house. I could only yell after him not to, of course to no avail. I never really expected what would happen that night…


	3. Our "five minutes"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let me just say this, five minutes always means more than it says. Expect some fun in the next chapters, and angst xd, Yes, the chronology is weird, I'm working on it. ^^;

As I finally got more or less ready, I headed out grabbing some spare bandages on the way from the bathroom and stuffing them along with a muesli bar as I passed through the kitchen, alreadytired from the whole ordeal of cleaning up remains of blood and tending to my wounds. As I walked, honestly I couldn’t really expect much, I was already 15 minutes late to practice and the way from my house to school was another 15. As much as I wanted to hope that Kei would still be there waiting for me, that seemed just about impossible. Yet there he was, across the river bank, right on the memorable stairs, tapping his fingers against the railing impatiently. The moment he saw me though, it’s as if he knew.

**_\- He reads me like an open book_** -I thought with a shadow of a smile spreading across my face.

**\- How long where U planning on keeping me here?** \- he asked his words coming out soft despite their nature.

**_\- How cute_** \- I thought to myself, now full on grinning.

**\- Well, I thought maybe another 5 minutes wouldn’t hurt…** \- I laughed sheepishly only to be shushed with Kei’s lips on mine, not without getting the standard eye roll first though.

**\- …How deep?** \- I heard him say quietly but firmly.

******\- Not that much, I wrapped it up pretty good this time, I should be able to get some practice in I think.**

******\- That is if we get there in time at all. At best we’ll have 15 minutes.** \- Tsukki concluded as he glanced over his phone.

******\- Sorry Tsukki. -** My eyes fell as I remembered how serious Kei has gotten about volleyball lately.

******\- Come on. We’re going for a walk.** \- As if he didn’t even care about the time and angry upperclassmen, the blonde took my hand in his and in spite of my protests dragged me down the stairs and along side the river.

* * *

Soon enough we got to the part of town we both spent our childhood years in most. Our elementary school playground.

******\- Ahhh, how nostalgic…** \- I exhaled, enjoying the fresh morning air, trying not to let my mind wonder.

******\- I never had any friends.** \- Tsukki deadpanned.

******\- Can You promise me one thing?**

******\- …Tsukki…** \- I couldn’t get myself to choke out anything more than that.

******\- Call me. For every five minutes. Can You do that? -** he asked giving me that determined look.

******\- …** -

******\- Yams?** \- he asked again, softly, as tears tried to from in my eyes, the sole fact that I wasn’t capable of crying in public holding them back.

******\- ...You know you’ll get a shit ton of calls that way, right?** \- I laughed through the unspilled tears.

******\- I wouldn’t be asking if it meant anything else, or would I?** \- he said, clearly amused. In less than three seconds we were bursting out laughing, hardly able to contain ourselves.

******\- I’ll promise if you show me you can swing higher than me on those little bad boys** \- I said pointing at the small swings in the middle of the playground. Giving me the death glare worthy of Kageyama, he made his way to the blue one as I giggled and ran up to take the red one, just like back in the old days. Of course, he won.

******\- Whoah, Tsukki, have you gotten even taller?** \- I couldn’t help but tease the taller boy.

******\- Yeah, yeah, whatever.** \- Kei shrugged, though the light blush dusting his cheeks could never escape my eyes.

******\- …** \- we stayed like that, silent for just few more seconds, taking in the sun and the other’s presence.

******\- I promise. -** I said finally, smiling widely I got on my tip toes and pecked him one the cheek.

******\- Good.** \- Kei responded and hid his now bright red face behind the palm of his hand, pretending to be scratching his nose.

******\- Good.** \- I agreed laughing inside at the cuteness overload.

******\- CRAP** \- we both cursed in unison as we realized how late it has actually gotten.

******\- Forget first period, we’re gonna be late for second.** \- Tsukki sighted, his smile not leaving his face.

******\- Mmmm, maths, I couldn’t feel less guilty. -** I laughed feeling genuinely happy.

******\- There’s no helping it, I’m going to have to tutor you then.** \- the blonde said with a dead serious expression.

******\- Boo hoo, no fun Tsukki! -** I yelled out, pouting.

******\- Oh it’ll be fun, trust me Yams.** -he smirked and turned to walk the way to school, leaving me blinking hard, doing my best to keep the blush from flooding my cheeks. It did anyway.


	4. Our "Thursdays"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did I overdo it with the amount of sweetness? I hope not xd.

* * *

**[FLASHBACK]**

My heart was pounding in my chest so hard that I could feel it in the back of my head at the time I followed Kei over to my own house, as ironic as it sounds. We walked in silence, the tension was like a dense cloud hanging over my head, threatening to burst any minute now. Before I could get even more anxious about the whole ordeal, I felt Kei’s eyes on me and looked up only to realize we were right before the front door.

 **** **\- Oh um…key, were did I..** \- I searched my pockets and with shaky hands opened the door, slower than I intended to.

 **** **\- Ojamashimasu.** \- I heard Tsukki say in a voice loud enough to make sure no one was home but not loud enough to actually be disturbing anyone.

 **** **\- Ah, there’s no one home today, mum works late on Thursdays.** \- I said reminded. As there was indeed no response to be heard, the blonde swiftly took off his shoes and proceeded to the bathroom. Before I even begun to question how he knew where I hid the bandages, he was back with some gauze and disinfectant in his arms.

 **** **\- Take them off.** \- he said curtly and placed the supplies on the nearest cupboard.

 **** **\- O, okay..** \- I said after realizing what he meant, flustered at the thought of having to strip down like this even though in changing rooms we’ve done it so many times, well…lately I have been avoiding doing that though, for obvious reasons, I opted for the bathroom. Let’s say, my hands weren’t really helping, shaky as they were I couldn’t get my belt unbuckled.

 **** **\- Tsk, Yams.** \- The nickname took me by surprise, he never gave me any…soon enough though the surprise was replaced with panic as his hands landed on said belt.

 **** **\- Easy** \- He said, when he saw me flinch at the contact.

 **** **\- There.** \- The belt was off, and Tsukki stood there patiently as I was hesitant to actually take the bloody pants off.

 **** **\- I’m not going anywhere. Go on.** \- Kei concluded while crossing his arms on his chest.

 **** **\- …** \- Now even more conscious of the situation I was in, I had to force my fingers to unzip my trousers. Not to end up having the blonde take the pants off of me too as if I was a baby, I slowly pulled them down, thankfully, they didn’t stick to my skin too much so I managed to do so without any real damage. That was it, I couldn’t hide it, my upper thighs, both of them, were littered with scars, some already white and lightly protruding, others brighter red or violet, a bit concave, and the ones on my right thigh covered in older scabs that got broken apart when I ran up the stairs, well, two steps, two steps too many apparently, the rest of my thigh smeared with beginning to dry blood. I gulped down, and let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I was too afraid to look Kei in the eyes. There was a moment of silence and I felt terrible, I didn’t want this to be like that, I didn’t want to burden him, I didn’t want to admit that I was broken, I just wanted to stay normal, I just..My thoughts were racing at the speed of light, guilt rushing over me as I struggled not to run up to my room and shut the world off, I didn’t want him to see me like that, weak, useless, fucked up. Right then the tall blonde scooted over in front of me, and began lightly washing off the blood from around the cuts, not saying anything.

* * *

Soon enough he was done, my leg wrapped up, the pants thrown into the washing machine, everything looked normal again. I was sitting at the kitchen table sipping on some water nervously, waiting for Tsukki to come back from the bathroom. When I finally heard his footsteps, I turned around only to be met with the blonds’ chest and his arms wrapping around my back.

 **** **\- Tsukki…** -I managed to muffle through the fabric covering his torso but was hushed and pushed farther into the I guess, embrace. It felt, hard to comprehend but…like home. What felt like forever that I wanted to last, in reality was 2 minutes. Thats’s when he let go slowly and looked at me with a soft expression.

 **** **\- Next Thursday.** \- he stated bluntly as I gave him a questioning look.

 **** **\- Don’t skip practice.** \- He smiled for the first time in half an hour and with the usual glint in his eyes now back.

 **** **\- A..ahaha…Sure thing Tsukki!** \- I smiled back, a bit hesitant at first, not willing to admit to the blush tinting my cheeks.

 **** **\- Good. See Ya tomorrow Yams.** -at that he picked up his bag, waved at me and went home. I sat there for 15 minutes straight trying to figure out what just happened. In that way, 15 minutes turned to 5 hours as I spent the night rolling in my bed lost in thought.

 **** **\- DAMN IT** \- I concluded. And in that moment I knew for sure as I clapped my hands on my cheeks, I was royally screwed. I really wanted to kiss him.

* * *


	5. ”One heck of a cook”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steamy omurice served. I just hope I didn't overdo it xd. Enjoy!

* * *

I always made cuts on my UPPER thighs for a reason. You know, volleyball shorts are as the name suggests, short. And speaking of shorts, Tsukki being so tall, his legs look damn good in them. So it’s Friday. Early morning. The day after we in a way skipped half the day of school because I couldn’t get my lazy ass up again and get my shitty timing together. Nooooo, I just had to come up with the swinging contest I tried not to be too happy about on top of that. Anyway, practice. To my dismay I just heard I won’t be seeing those ripped thighs any time soon. Of course I was overjoyed to hear Tsukki, after having worked so hard gets to practice with Shiratorizawa’s coaches and other great players, unlike myself. Deep down though I knew, not being able to see him for a whole school week was going to be worse than I imagined. I pushed down the feeling of dread building up inside of me and simply smiled at the tall blonde.

******\- Whoah, Tsukki, congrats!** \- I clapped him on the back, feeling genuinely happy for him.

******\- Shut up Yamaguchi.** \- He responded with his regular come back, I could still see the little spark of joy lighting up in his eyes. That day went by painfully slow, the only highlight in between falling asleep during classes or not being able to pay any real attention was having lunch at the roof top with Kei as we always did.

******_\- I was going to miss that for a week_** \- I thought and automatically lost my appetite.

******\- Don’t tell me that’s all You’re going to eat.** \- I heard Tsukki say, a frown already beginning to form on his forehead.

******\- I’m not hungry.** \- I said quietly as I put down my chopsticks.

******\- Yams.** \- He insisted determined.

******\- Tsukki…I really don’t think I can right now.** \- I trailed off.

******\- …I’m making dinner tonight.** \- he said as he followed suit and put down his food.

******\- Yeah… Wait, what?!** \- I yelled out, as I jumped up to a standing stance.

******\- You heard me. I’m one heck of a cook, better be ready for getting Your taste buds blown.** \- He said smirking as he thanked for his meal and went down the stairs to our next period. And of course, as you can probably tell, my focus dropped below sea level for the last two lessons.

* * *

******_\- Damn it, he was so gonna pay for that._** \- I cursed in my mind, shaking my head at the scenarios popping up in my head. I tried my very best not to blush too hard as we walked our usual way back home after practice, my eyes were sticked to the ground,

******_\- Yeah, so much for the stupid ideas of making him pay, God, how pathetic._** \- I thought as I imagined drilling a hole I could hide in in the ground I was so intensely staring at, while I squeezed my palms into fists hard. I don’t know what I was expecting, there was no way he wouldn’t notice how much like a mess I looked at that moment. So of course, my breath hitched as I felt his hand slide in between my fingers and loosening my grip.

******\- Yams, what is it?** \- he asked cautiously.

******\- …I…I’ll, miss You…** -

******_\- CRAP, I said it, what if he doesn’t go because I said that, it’s all my fault, God how stupid can I be. I_** \- my train of thought got derailed as I heard the sound of bags being dropped and felt his raps lips crashing against mine.

******\- Tsukk…mmm..Tsu…Ke…** \- I tried to say but his lips wouldn’t let me say a word against his.

******\- Hah..** \- we both exhaled as we finally parted, panting.

******\- No You won’t.** \- he answered and for a second my heart froze.

******\- With those eating habits of yours, it’s pretty fucking obvious you’ll starve yourself if I don’t come and feed you myself each and every day.** \- I stood there dumbstruck, as he rolled his eyes and before I even had a chance to process I was being lifted off the ground.

******\- Hold on there Light Weight.** -he said as he swept me off my feet and onto his back. Sooooo, yeah, he carried me piggy back all the way to my couch. I loved it. In half an hour the dinner was ready, the one and only omurice I loved to death since childhood was right before my eyes, looking at me with it’s ketchup smiley face, it tasted better than ever.

******\- Ahhhh, this is the best!** \- I exclaimed with the renewed joy of a 5 year old filling up my whole existence.

******\- I still can’t believe You wanted omurice.** \- Tsukki went off complaining, about how easy it was to make and how anyone could make it.

******\- Yeah, yeah, it’s the ABSOLUTE BEST and you won’t prove me otherwise Stingyshima** \- I said pouting. As I was busy getting mad over nothing I suddenly felt his palm on my thigh.

******\- Whoa, wha, what are you doing Tsukki?** \- I stuttered clearly flustered.

******\- What does it look like to you, hm Yams? It’s payback time.** \- and as he said his hand landed even higher, soon enough it would be dangerously close to my crotch.

******\- Tsukki, cut it out, I’m sorry, you’re not stingy, I’m sorry, this was just the best I’ve ever had, okay? So just..** \- I tried desperately to talk him out of what was about to happen, but to be honest, I already gave in.

******\- Oh, is that so? Well I’m going to have to disagree.** \- at that my zipper flew down and his hand slid on top of my underwear.

******\- Mmfff** \- I whimpered doing my best not to let out a moan. I could feel my whole lower body heating up from the caress.

******\- Hm? What was that, I didn’t quite catch it?** \- he pressed his finger against my body and traced the length playfully. At that point I was panting.

******\- Hah, harder.** \- I whispered through the fast inhales.

******\- Do it harder.** \- I repeated louder and that was it. His hand hastily got me to stand and pushed down my underwear. In that way, his tongue swirled around my tip, left palm firmly stroking my base and right hand squeezing my thigh hard. I was breathing so hard but somehow I managed to say:

******\- I…I want to make you feel good too.** \- I was blushing insanely hard.

******\- Kneel down.** \- He said looking like he won a billion dollar lottery, just as red. And so I did, as he pulled off his pants, he was hard. My hands worked down his length as I took in the sensation. All it took was his hand lightly placed on my head and I knew just what I needed to do. I licked it whole and went for it firstly hesitant, and anxious, slowly getting used to the taste and thickness, going only half the way. Soon his breath got hitched.

******\- Yams..Can I…Can you go deeper?** \- He asked in between the labored breathing. I nodded and let his hand press at the back of my head harder and his length go deep enough so that I could feel it in the back of my throat. At first I though it was no biggie, but when he thrust it all the way, that’s when I choked and he pulled out.

******\- Are you okay Yams?** -he asked worried.

******\- Yeah, I just, let’s try again.** \- I smiled getting my hair behind my ear and going back down. I choked again. And again. Finally I pulled back dejected.

******\- I’m sorry Tsukki, I’m, I’m so bad at this.** \- I tried to laugh it off, but to no avail, my eyes got wet pretty quickly.

******\- Shhh, it’s okay Yams, it’s okay…** \- he gently brushed the tears away and scooted down.

******\- Come here.** \- he continued and I leaned into the touch. We laid on the kitchen floor in that hug for 5 minutes straight, just enjoying each others warmth. When we got up, I could see Kei shoot me a wide smile and I couldn’t help smiling back.

******\- Thank You** \- we said in unison already dressed up, dishes in the dishwasher. We ended up laughing hard at that, neither of us really came but it was, amazing. Soon enough with both of our good timings we realized my mum would be coming back any minute now. We hurried to the front door and kissed goodbye softly.

******\- Thanks for…dinner. It was really good.** \- I concluded bashfully.

******\- Yeah, I told You, haven’t I, I’m one heck of a cook. Expect more omurice soon. Ittekimasu.** \- he said as he took of as I yelled after him:

******\- Itterasshai!** -And as silly as it was, in no more than 5 minutes I was in the bathroom practicing with my toothbrush.

* * *


	6. Am I even breathing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback time, again xd

* * *

**_[FLASHBACK]_ **

**_\- Tsukki found out._ **-The realization finally hit me as my alarm going off jerked me awake the following morning.

 ** _\- He…hugged me…_** \- The thought came soon after and as it sinked in, I couldn’t help but squeal into my pillow. I still didn’t quite feel like it happened. It was too good to be true. I have always lived my life as if I didn’t exist, I was never relevant, there was always someone better, no matter how hard I tried, I always seemed to fail and somewhere along the line I just, didn’t feel like there even was any me left. My parents were always busy with work and when they weren’t, they argued over every and any single thing. With years it got so bad that let’s just say the doors in our house aren’t falling apart for no reason, and honestly, so was this so called family. I felt irrelevant and helpless, no matter what I did, it changed nothing for the better and just like the bruises on mum’s face, this feeling never left for long, it got worse and worse. My happy moment didn’t get to last long as the sound of cursing loudly hit my ears, and my smile fell. I slowly opened the door to my room only to hear the usual argument envelop. What was it about this time? Money? That one woman dad slept with ten years back and still does God knows what with? Maybe mum cooking the wrong thing for yesterday’s dinner. I couldn’t really care less anymore, I stepped out and locked myself in the bathroom. As I looked in the mirror,I saw those violet tinted, vein stricken circles under a pair of lifeless dark eyes, a mess of discolored green locks, sticking in all directions, oily pale skin on a hunched down torso. I scoffed, this was me now. This pathetic-looking piece of useless existence. By then my mind had shut down and I did every single thing automatically, mindlessly going through the routine, completely numb inside, I felt nothing. I waited for my parents to head out and proceed to the kitchen, not giving a shit about making any lunch anymore, I took a water bottle and took off. When I met up with Tsukki I smiled weakly at him and tried my best to act as I usually would, only brushing off the series of questions with some lame still playing sick excuse. When we arrived to practice I was greeted with an ’Are you okay’ from Suga and a clap on the back from Tanka, followed with a rolling fly attack from Noya, scolding me for skipping for two days straight. In all honesty I was in no mood for all this, I sighted internally and did my best to apologize in the most natural Yamaguchi Tadashi way. As expected, I had to fuck it up. My words were swimming out of my mouth but they felt as if someone else had said them, I was…hollow.

 **** **\- Sorry Tanaka-senpai, Nishinoya-senpai, I’m still not well enough to practice… -** at that the rowdy upperclassmen went silent.

 **** ** _\- FUCK_ \- **I cursed internally when I realized just how dead I sounded with my eyes downcast like that.

 **** **\- …Oh, but, I’d love to help Kiyoko-senpai with keeping the score! -** I quickly added and before anybody even had chance to reply I ran off pretending to look for the score board. In the end I had to actually find it and spend the rest of practice trying not to look as lifeless as I felt, which proved to be a real challenge, as a matter of fact I got so distracted that for once I was the one that got hit on the face with a volleyball instead of Hinata. And with that accent and a twirled tissue up my nostril after the nosebleed I got from Kageyama’s serve, I spent the rest of the morning classes completely out of it, doodling mindlessly on my homework ended up in a page-full of messily handwritten word ’die’, all over in every formerly empty space on the paper. I didn’t even notice the bell for the next break ringing, next thing I knew Tsukki came up and was looking over my shoulder, that’s when I started to flat out panic.

 **** **\- Ah, Tsukki, is it lunch break already?** \- I asked with a shaky voice while crushing the worksheet in my hands and stuffing it in my schoolbag.

 **** **\- Isn’t that homework due today?** \- he asked his brows beginning to furrow.

 **** **\- Oh, ahaha, silly me, the fever must be getting to my head.** \- I tired to laugh it off as per usual.

 **** **\- …You can copy mine next period, let’s go, there’s lunch to eat.** \- the blonde replied as he picked up his bento and both of our bags with no room to protest. Soon enough we were both on the roof, with me pretending to have forgotten my lunch box and Tsukki’s exasperated expression getting even worse if possible. When I was just about to get up to grab something from the cafeteria I felt a tug on my hand and lost my balance, ending up on my back, my eyes scrunched shut.

 **** **\- Aghh** \- I exclaimed feeling the pain in my tailbone radiating as I opened my eyes. Just then I was met with Tsukki’s face just centimeters above mine. I inhaled sharply at the realization as my cheeks began to flush furiously and I tried to move away from the position we were in, of course, to no avail.

 **** **\- Tsu, Tsukki, what are U doing?!** \- I asked as words got stuck in my throat and his hand met my forehead. I stopped breathing.

 **** **\- You don’t have a fever.** \- he stated frankly.

 **** **\- But you are awfully red. Are you even breathing?** \- And at that, I felt his lips push at mine as I gasped and momentarily parted my lips, long enough though to let his tongue slide in between and intertwine with mine for split seconds. Just then, he pulled back, leaving me panting into my hand now covering my mouth.

 **** **\- There, now I know you are.** \- Kei smirked while tilting his head with that look in his eyes, that look I’ll never forget. And so he got up telling me he’s going to grab my favorite bread from the cafeteria. And at that, I was back to square one, squealing. I just hope he didn’t catch that.

* * *


End file.
